‘I left school without being kissed. I have come from famine to Greggs. There are cake slices everywhere.’

‘I left school without being kissed. I have come from famine to Greggs. There are cake slices everywhere.’

The TV funnyman has banned himself from having a proper girlfriend until Christmas, as he fears he’s a “serial monogamist”.

For now the Live At The Electric host is desperate to start soaking up the female attention that’s come his way since he found fame.

He talks a good game â€" but the soppy romantic is already finding it tough going, even though he is surrounded by girls desperate for no-strings fun.

Russell, 31, split from his model girlfriend Charlotte Austin in February after ten months together.

He blames the break up on him not giving himself enough time to get over the collapse of his marriage to his university sweetheart, Sadie Hasler.

While he’s having no trouble getting girls to come home with him, he is having trouble not declaring undying love for them the next morning and begging them to move in.

Now he wants to make more like namesake and legendary swordsman Russell Brand.

He told TV Biz: “I left school without even being kissed. But now it’s ridiculous. I feel like I’ve just come from a famine and been put in the middle of Greggs... there are cake slices everywhere and I’m loving it.

“So I’ve made a vow with myself that I’m not getting into a relationship, even if Miss Right comes along. I’m going to ignore the feelings in my heart.

“I’m really going to try for a tour of duty, do the stuff the other Russell is so good at. Look out ladies, I might look gay but i'm not!”

It might sound a bit shallow but even Russell’s mother is right behind him, urging him to stand on his own two feet and play the field instead of getting bogged down in another heavy relationship.

He said: “My mum said, ‘What’s wrong with being with someone for a few months, maybe have ten or 20 dates... before you say, ‘Let’s be boyfriend or girlfriend?’

“I’ve never done that. I’m like, ‘Oh we’ve had sex, let’s move in and get a puppy.’ I’m more like a girl, I suppose. I don’t want a girlfriend before Christmas. Until then, wa-hey!

“The girls I’m attracted to are really nice and kind and that’s what makes me fall in love with them. Maybe I’ll wrap myself up on December 25 and give myself to someone.”

Russell reckons women aren’t looking for Mr Nice and romantic and is trying out his new “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” approach.

He said: “Women like a player and a b*****d. I know that from reading magazines. I’m going to just have to try harder. No one wants an emotionally vulnerable man clutching a pug â€" or maybe they do? I give up.”

But he doesn’t really seem to be getting anywhere with his emotionally distant stance â€" admitting he gives the girls an “it’s not you, it’s me”-style pep talk before letting them under his duvet. He said: “Any girls I’ve seen in this period I’ve been exactly clear about where I am emotionally.

“I’ve said, ‘I’m going to say things that are romantic, then just ignore them.’ I need some space. Even if Miss Right comes along.”

But while he doesn’t want a long-term relationship (yet), Russell admits he is aware he’s in his thirties and is looking forward to starting a family.

It’s a theme he warms to on tour. He said: “My new show is called Posturing Delivery. It’s about my generation of boys, men... and what happens to us if we have children late. Why is it OK for men to have babies late just because it’s biologically possible to do so?

“Why can’t I have a biological clock as well? I feel like I have. I know I’m biologically able to do a Des O’Connor, and there is nothing wrong with that, but I don’t want to be older than 55 when I’ve got teenagers. The age I’m at is good to have kids but so far I’ve had no egg bearer.

“I’m going to push the panic button at 40 and go to America. I’ll find an American chav and give my seed to her and bring my baby back.

“But I’ve another nine years to close the deal.”

Talking about babies isn’t helping him stay single. He laughed: “When I say stuff like that about babies, women around me start ovulating.

“I’m not struggling for a girlfriend for the first time in my life but I have to stay single for now for the sake of that poor person whose arms you jump into too quickly.

“I really do fall in love and then stay in a relationship but I’m not building up enough of my personality and strength to stand on my own and I need to do that now.”

Russell has been a big name on the comedy scene since 2004 but it was being part of ITV2’s I’m A Celebrity... spin-off for the last three years that made him a household name.

Since then BBC3 have given him two shows of his own â€" Britain Unzipped and Live At The Electric.

Yesterday we revealed he won’t be back on I’m A Celebrity for a fourth year and the Essex boy admits that his homesickness is partly to blame.

But Russell hopes we’ll see more of him, not less, as his presenting career catches up with his comedy.

Live At The Electric has been a runaway success.

He said: “I didn’t quit I’m A Celebrity... I’d only ever wanted to do two and the third was an extra. To be honest I’m not very good at being abroad. I miss my home, I miss my standup. I don’t mind going away for a couple of weeks but five weeks is a long time and it’s emotional.

“It’s 12 hours work a day â€" at night â€" in the jungle.

“You’ve got to bear in mind I’m seeing the VTs at midnight and then I’ve got eight hours ’til I’m live on TV doing stand-up to two million people.

“It’s a massive emotional and physical and mental undertaking.

“I really enjoyed the first two and then I thought I’d do one last one as I didn’t have a solo thing in the bag.

“But when the talks came around this year Unzipped was in the bag, Live At The Electric was in the bag and my new standup show has more dates than I’ve ever done.” And while he’s determined to harden up, it’s clear Russell is a softie who just wants to settle down.

He said: “People think when you say you don’t want to be away from home that there is something wrong with your ambition but I’m one of the most ambitious stand-ups I know, “I’ve got a tour coming up, a novel out, two series on the go...

“But I do, when I have a girlfriend, like my family time.

“I like lying in my pants watching a Blu-ray with a hot chick sitting next to me.”

That’s Boxing Day sorted then.

See Russell host Live At The Electric on BBC Three, Thursdays at 9.30pm. Tickets for his Posturing Delivery tour are available at Russellellkane.co.uk.